Quitting

quitting ain't no cowardice.

quit buying excessive clothes
quit buying excessive skin care
quit buying candy
quit buying nail polish
quit taking cabs
quit eating expensive lunches
quit procrastinating!

i didn't realize it's been that long since operation mend.

Obligatory Birthday Post

so, another year has passed. i've never spent my birthday completely alone before and this year, i decided to do just that, after the past couple of years of wanting to do so.

i've almost made it a custom to be out of town on my birthday for some years now. perhaps this started when he started it so, well, sort of. this year, i've returned to the city where we began our second-time-around affair. it's been a long sordid affair, lasting for the most of the last 10 years.

i really thought that it would mean something and would be my final destination this time around but this time, it lasted so much less than the other times, the relationships we had, the trysts that we had. perhaps this time for the last and for the best.

i'm here, today, on my birthday to mend myself - my heart, my soul, myself. i'm here to tell myself that i am ok on my own. that i am me, that my life depends on myself. i want to live for myself and nobody else.

do not judge me and call me selfish. i will only live for my happiness. this is what i deserve.

happy birthday, me.

The Fools That We Are

i just do not have the strength anymore. i feel like all my energy has been drained from my body and soul. there's no fight left in me anymore. 

Change

i want to be good.

i wanted to write about what I was expecting five hours ago but then again, what was i expecting?

we could pretend we do not mind but neither of us are capable of pretending to be alright. 

Friday's Lesson

1. i do not know how to be xxxxxxxxx, can't seem to get it right.

2. the most effective way in fighting crazy is with crazy

3. there are men who are most likely just a poorly made substitute by shaving a chimp - o, wait, chimps are proven to be really smart. so, ok, i take back my words. the low grades scientists who made you their test subject, they have confirmed your origin from that of a unfortunate and errornos combination of a xx and xx. I'd probably feel in the x's later since I don't think I can think of a dumb enough organism for comparison now.

Tuesday's Lessons

throwback lessons of the day from Tuesday: 

1. Thou shalt not be greedy

2. Thou shalt not overestimate your limits

3. Thou art ridiculously extreme 

4. Thou concept of limit exists purely as a perhaps social norm

5. Thou art a self-abusive twat

too many false alarms make the heart goes mad.

Top 25 Cities to Visit in A Lifetime

#25 San Francisco, USA

#24 Chiang Mai, Thailand

#23 Lisbon, Portugal - CHECK

#22 Sydney, Australia - CHECK

#21 Budapest, Hungary 

#20 Bangkok, Thailand - CHECK (many times over)

#19 Cape Town, Africa

#18 Chicago, USA

#17 Dubai, UAE

#16 St. Petersburg, Russia

#15 Barcelona, Spain - CHECK

#14 Buenos Aires, Argentina

#13 Florence, Italy - CHECK

#12 New York, USA

#11 Berlin, Germany - CHECK

#10 Shanghai, China - CHECK

#9 Siem Reap, Cambodia

#8 Hanoi, Vietnam

#7 Paris, France - CHECK

#6 Marrakech, Morocco

#5 Prague, Czech Republic - CHECK

#4 Beijing, China - CHECK

#3 London, UK - CHECK

#2 Rome, Italy - CHECK

#1 Istanbul, Turkey - CHECK

13 out of 25 - half way there, i guess.

it's still a long road to be able to be happy, isn't it? or is it at all?

dammit.

what's with all the obstacles, all thrown from crazy directions?

can we stop all this already and be at peace?

never never speak too early.

o! snap out of it already! i wonder if you know how to.

you called an hour ago on your own accord to tell me that you're alright now. i'm thankful and beyond relieved. did my words have anything to do with it? or did you just snap right out of it? i hope this could only turn for the better.

please, do not be sad. the time is not yet up. do not let me lose you so soon after i've just gotten you back, please.

if this is bliss, let me live in this moment forever. period.

Right and Wrong

some weeks ago, i asked - how could something so right be so wrong. today, as the wrong starts writing into a right of sorts, i ask, in my own devil's advocate, how could something that should be right feel maybe a little wrong? how could something wrong feel it is right? 

the curse of having a brain that lays out all the possible scenarios of every situation.

you know what? screw all of you. i do not deserve the crap i'm getting. go bury your head in the sand.